Are there any words?

I promise my posts will get happier again.  One day.  Until then, it just doesn't seem right to do a typical Hot Mess update with the events that transpired on Friday. 
I'm still in shock....how on Earth did this happen?  I don't even know if this post is going make sense because I have so many feelings since learning the news on Friday afternoon. 

Of course, like most of you, I am completely heartbroken.  Heartbroken for the children who were taken from this world far too early.  Heartbroken for their teachers who won't see those 20 smiling faces in class every single day.  Heartbroken, because I'm sure those teachers are feeling guilty that they couldn't save them.  Heartbroken for the parents.  For the classmates.  For the brothers.  The sisters.  The aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents.  Heartbroken that someone had that much hate in their heart to do something like this.  Heartbroken for school teachers and children and parents everywhere. 

The more details that come out, the angrier I become.  Children shot multiple times.  The Westboro Baptist Church (you know, the ones that love to protest military funerals) talking about plans to protest the funerals of the children--because our "wicked" country DESERVED for this to happen.  I don't even think I have words to talk about how furious that makes me.  Angry at the people that want to talk about their anti-gun/pro-gun stance in the wake of the deaths of these 26 people.  I do not care what your gun stance is right now.  These are innocent people that were murdered for absolutely no reason--let's talk about that.  I'm angry at the people that want to take this opportunity to blast the President.  Last time I checked, we were still America.  And we're an America that's hurting right now.....badly.  I could care less if you agree with Obama or voted for him.  He took the time to go to Connecticut to support those grieving families--and even shed a tear, as a father, over the little lives lost.  Go tell someone who cares who you voted for in November. 

Like everyone else, especially all the parents of America, I'm scared.  How do you trust that your child is going to be safe in school ever again?  As terrible as this sounds, we're "prepared" for this when kids enter high school age.  We expect that hormone-ridden teenagers are capable of doing something so terrible to their fellow classmates.  But elementary school children?  We think that school is where our children will be safe.  How can you explain to your child that school is a safe place for them to be?  My child isn't even of school age yet and I'm terrified for her.  My first reaction--beyond shock and sadness--was the thought of homeschooling Avery.  You want to tell people that it will never happen here, that it was an isolated event.  How do you know??  If it happened in a small Connecticut town, who's to say it can't happen in a small (fill in your state) town?  I feel robbed of my sense of security as a parent.  Where can I take my child that this isn't going to happen?  How can I keep her safe until she's an adult?  It all comes down to a simple answer:  I can't.  I can raise Avery with every precaution in the world and she's still going to make her own decisions and live in this horribly evil world.  I can't shelter her forever.  Should I deny her the right to go to school or in public and make friends because I'm terrified of something like this happening to her?  Should I keep her locked away in our home, not letting her experience any of the wonderful things that life has to offer--just because I'm scared?  I know the obvious answer, but it doesn't ease my anxiety or worry one bit.  All I can do is to raise Avery to be cautious of strangers and to listen to her teachers and caregivers in case something like this were to happen.  Then I leave the rest up to my Heavenly Father.  Can you imagine how God felt, knowing that His son was going to face a horrible death someday?  So, I turn to Him.  He's been here.  He's known grief and suffering.  He's known the loss of His child.  He's known death and tragedy.  As much as I want to shake my fists at Him and ask "WHY!!??," I trust that He has a bigger plan for all of us {"For I know the plans I have for you, says the LORD." *jeremiah 29:11"}--including the 20 babies that left this world on Friday.  All I can do is pray.  Pray for comfort for all of us, as a nation that has been completely rocked to the core after Friday's events.  Pray that He wraps His arms around the families and the friends of the victims {"He will cover you with His feathers and under His wings you will find refuge." *psalm 91:4}.  I pray that He provides them with comfort and peace {"And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. *philippians 4:7}.  I pray that we all find comfort, knowing that those 20 children are playing in the streets of Heaven right now and listening to stories at Jesus' feet {"Let the children come to me.  Don't stop them!  For the kingdom of Heaven belongs to them." *matthew 19:14}. 

I know we've heard it all over and over--don't take this life for granted, hug the ones you love--but one of my favorite quotes sums up how I've felt since Friday:

"Love the people God gave you.

He's going to need them back some day."



Hot Mama Mon.....err....Wednesday!

I'm a little behind.....so shoot me.  The last two nights, I've been covered in head-to-toe glitter---but more on that later.  First, a Hot MAMA update!!

Original weight:  142.5
Last week's weight:  132.8
This week's weight:

Wow.  Turrible picture.

Loss from last week:  1.4 lbs

Overall loss: 11.1 lbs

What worked:  I've cut out a ton of Cokes (actually Pepsi and Dr. Pepper) from my diet.  I've also cut wayyyyyy back on the trips to McDonalds and other various drive thrus.  There for awhile, our life was super stressful, chaotic and our pantry was pretty much empty.  I ate a drive thru meal multiple times a day....so gross.  And so unhealthy.  Instead, I've been getting up earlier so I can have breakfast at home.  I've stocked a drawer at work full of healthy(ish) snacks for when that rumbly in my tummy hits.  And I'm trying harder to make dinners more often.  Things are still stressful and Marty and I aren't always at home together at night, so it's not the easiest thing in the world to do....but I'm trying.  That's what counts, right?

Now, onto the glitter mess.  Because she's been on my mind constantly lately, no blog post would be complete without a plug for little Brooklyn  (read about Brooklyn's story here).  As most of you HOPEFULLY already know, I'm selling bracelets to help raise money for Brooklyn and her parents.  So far, I've reached 224 bracelet orders.  If we give approximately $5 from every bracelet to the family, then we've raised about $1120!  I'm so pumped about that number.  We still have plenty of bracelets to sell.  So, if you haven't bought yours already....what on earth are you waiting for??

The support for this little girl and her parents has been completely amazing so far....and she wasn't even diagnosed a month ago.  There are TONS of fundraisers going around to help raise money to cover medical expenses, travel costs, food, etc.  You can donate meals to Erin and Daniel (Brooklyn's parents) since they've hardly left her side since being admitted to Kosairs (type in Disselkamp for the last name and Brooklyn as the password).  There's a raffle for a 22 Henry rifle (I hope that's right....my gun knowledge is at a negative level) where tickets are just $5 apiece (interested? I can put you in touch with the right people).  Local restaurants are donating a percentage of their profits on specific nights to go to Brooklyn and her family.  A charity auction is in the works.  It's been a truly amazing thing to watch.  I've been humbled and in awe of the outspreading of love and concern...I can't even begin to imagine how Brooklyn's family feels!  Anyhoo!  In addition to the bracelets, I've also got another item to sell:  ornaments!  Not just any old ornament....Minnie Mouse glitter ornaments!  

A big group of us got together the past couple of nights and cranked out a ton of these little beauties.  Then we split them up and are attempting to sell them all.  I have about 30 or so ornaments in my possession.  They're $6 apiece and 100% of the money made is going directly to the family.  Buy one and put it front and center of your Christmas tree.  Then, every time you see it hanging there, it'll remind you to say a prayer for complete healing for this sweet little girl.
SO!  Who wants an ornament?!?!  (or bracelet, or raffle ticket, or tshirt.... :) )

**To keep up with Brooklyn's progress and all fundraisers or events, like Brooklyn's Believers on Facebook! 

Holy Brooklyn's Bracelets Batman!

You guys are rocking my socks off with these Bracelets 4 Brooklyn orders.  Amazing, really.  As of the time of this post, I have 120 orders.  Break it down for me fellas:  120 bracelets.  $5 from each bracelet. = SIX HUNDRED DOLLARS for Erin, Daniel and Brooklyn.  But here's the deal.  We still have A LOT more to sell.  Sarah and I ordered 200 of each charms.  If we get an order explosion (I really hope so!) and we have more bracelets wanted than that, we can always order more charms.  So order your little heart away.  Did I hear you say you want a bracelet for every person in your family?  Excellent.  :)

Because we've had so many orders, I've had quite a few questions pop up.  I thought I'd do a brand spanking new post about the bracelets and offer more information about them. 

THE BRACELETS:

image via sweet-verbena.blogspot.com

Since our charms are located in China and shipping takes just near forever for them to come over to the United States, we don't have them yet.  And we don't have pictures of completed bracelets for you to see.  But I can promise you that they're going to be really, really close to this picture.  Bracelets are $8.  $5 of each purchase will be going to Brooklyn and another $1 will go to Kosair Children's Hospital (Brooklyn's hospital).

THE CHARMS:

We have two charm options for you to choose from.  Believe (because we're Brooklyn's Believers!!) and Minnie Mouse (because Brooklyn is a huge Minnie fan....girl after my own heart).  The Believe charms ONLY COME IN THE COLOR PICTURED--BRONZE.  Minnie can be BLACK, SILVER OR BRONZE (PICTURED). 

THE COLORS:


For the "string" on your bracelet, we have MULTIPLE options to chose from.  Refer to the list below:

Pink--breast cancer               Purple--pancreatic cancer
Gray--brain cancer                Aqua--ovarian/cervical cancer
Brown--lung cancer               Orange--Leukemia
Light blue--prostate               Black--melanoma
Yellow--childhood                 Royal blue--colon
Kelly green--kidney               White--bone
Lime green--Lymphoma         Lavender--all other cancers
We also have a black cord material and brown leather material for the bracelets.

Now, just because I have the colors listed next to the cancers they represent, doesn't mean you have to choose them based on that.  If you're a UK fan and you want a royal blue color, but don't know anyone with colon cancer, go for it.  If your favorite color is kelly green, pick that one.  We're not picky.

FAQs:

1.  Our charms have been ordered, like I mentioned, from China.  We have been promised a 10 day to 2 week delivery, but you guys know how shipping is--it's never guaranteed.  Because of that, we cannot promise a bracelet for you by Christmas.  If you're buying this bracelet as a Christmas gift, shoot me an email (dpgaddie@gmail.com) and I can make you up a pretty little gift certificate or something for your recipient to let them know that they have an awesome bracelet on the way very soon.  That being said, I'm going to try my hardest to get these to you AS SOON as I get them.  That's why I'm taking pre-orders.  Anyone that has ordered a bracelet is down on a list that I keep with me.  If you've ordered a lime green believe bracelet, I have your order and your string will already be cut to size and ready for me to attach the charm when it comes in.  Pre-ordering is going to guarantee that you get your bracelet sooner.  If you wait until they come in, I may have 150 pre-orders ahead of you that's going to take priority before I can get to yours.  Moral of the story:  Pre-order peoples!!

2.  Also because our charms haven't been shipped from China, we aren't taking payments until we receive the charms in our grubby little hands.  Can you guys imagine what a headache it would be if we took all 120 of your payments and then there was an issue with the charms/shipping and we had to return ALL 120 orders back??  Shew.  So, we're going to wait.  You do have two options for payment.  We have an Etsy account set up--- http://www.etsy.com/shop/Bracelets4Brooklyn .  If you want to pay online via PayPal, please let me know whenever you order.  When your bracelet is completed, I will notify you and I will make a reserved listing for you with your specific order details and total.  I made a sample on our Etsy page so you can see what it'll look like.  The listing will say "RESERVED LISTING FOR JANE DOE."  Only click on the listing that has your name, obviously.  If you're not comfortable with paying online, we will also be accepting CASH ONLY by mail.  No checks please.  When purchasing, let me know if you want to pay cash and I will send you my address for the cash to be sent. 

3.  We can do child sized bracelets as well.  Just specify when ordering if you want this option. 

SO!  To wrap everything up......to order: send me a Facebook message, call me, text me, put a comment on this blog post, email me (dpgaddie@gmail.com), whatever is convenient for you. 
When ordering, please include the following information: 

• Which charm you would like (believe or Minnie)
• If Minnie, tell me what color (black, silver or bronze)
• What kind or color cord you want
• How many you'd like to order (50?  Great!!)
• How you plan to pay (PayPal or cash)
• Your address if you would like your bracelet to be shipped to you

I know this post was very fact-filled, but on an emotional level.....thank you.  Thank you for ordering a bracelet.  It may not be the most well-made or prettiest thing in the world.  But a big chunk of your money is going to a BABY fighting cancer.  You're showing human compassion and love for Brooklyn and her parents.  And I think that's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. 

Hot Mess, Brooklyn and Where I've Been

**NOTE: If you're visiting this post to order a Bracelet 4 Brooklyn, scroll down to the bottom and check out the charms, bracelets and colors offered.**

I've been absent from blogging lately.  I apologize.  I needed a break recently to focus on family issues and get myself out of a pretty serious funk I was in.  But I'm back--I've missed you people!  As a result of taking a much needed break, I have a lot of making up to do here on the blog.  So buckle up and hang on! 

1.  Hot Mess Update. 

      I can't remember my last hot mess update.  Several weeks ago.  I weighed myself again yesterday to start back on my hot mama journey. 

Original weight:  142.5 lbs

Last time I blogged:  132.2

This week:

Difference from last weigh in:  +0.6 lbs.

Overall loss: 9.7 lbs.

I'm okay with this.  Keep in mind, Thanksgiving happened over this time frame.  I participated in THREE Thanksgiving dinners.  I'm okay with a 0.6 pound gain. 

 

2.  BRACELETS 4 BROOKLYN:  Have you read Brooklyn's story?  If you're my Facebook friend, I'm sure I'm driving you crazy with "Brooklyn's Believer's" posts.....and I hope I am.  That means that I'm getting the word out and you're seeing it over and over.  Maybe you're seeing it enough and will be lead to take action and donate to the family.  I've donated $20 from my last paycheck....and I hope to do more with each paycheck Marty and I receive.  In addition, my friend Sarah and I are doing a fundraiser.  We're going to make and sell bracelets with a large portion of the proceeds going to Brooklyn and her parents.  But, like every good idea I usually have, we've hit a snag.  We've found the perfect charms to make these bracelets with.....perfect, I'm telling you.....but the seller is located in China.  So?  Shipping from China over Etsy takes 2-5 WEEKS.  WEEKS people.  If we don't get charms until 5 weeks from now, Christmas is over.  People might lose interest and not be as willing to buy whenever our charms finally come in.  Luckily, I've found a seller that promises I'll get the shipment in 10 days to 2 weeks.  This doesn't make my control freak self happy, but what are you gonna do?  So, I'm going to post a little sneaky peeky here on the blog and gauge interest.  No, I don't have a picture of what your bracelet will look like, but I can give you a pretty darn good idea.  If you're interested in buying a bracelet, shoot me an email, a blog comment, a Facebook message, a text and let me or Sarah know that you want one.  Ready for a peek??

Here's the charms (you can choose one bracelet or both!):

Let me explain the charms.  The family has started a group--"Brooklyn's Believers"--to let the family know that they aren't alone and there's a large group of people out there that believe that they can make it through this difficult time.  Hence, the believe charm. 

Second, Brooklyn's Believers have their own "logo."  Brooklyn is a Minnie Mouse lover.  So, Minnie Mouse charms make perfect sense. 

The Believe charms only come in that color.  I apologize for anyone that doesn't like bronze (I'm telling you...these charms were difficult little boogers to track down).  The Minnie charms can be either bronze (pictured), silver or black. 

Finally, because we don't have any bracelets made, I can't show you what the exact bracelet will look like.  But I can tell you they're going to be reallllllllllly similiar to this:

Your bracelet can be done in a wide variety of colors.  We have all the "cancer colors":
Pink---breast cancer              Purple---pancreatic

Gray--brain                           Aqua--ovarian/cervical

Brown--lung                         Orange--Leukemia
Light blue--prostate              Black--melanoma

Yellow--childhood                Royal blue--colon

Kelly green--kidney              White--bone

Lime green--Lymphoma       Lavender--all other cancers

You may be wearing this bracelet for Brooklyn, but maybe you want a "believe" charm with a royal blue ribbon because you know someone fighting colon cancer.  Or maybe you just like the color kelly green and think it'll match a lot of your outfits...we're not picky!  Don't see a color you want here?  Message one of us and we'll make it happen.  I also have thick leather cording for a more fashionable look if you don't want a colored bracelet.  We're selling these for $8 apiece.  A large portion will go to Brooklyn and $1 of each sale will go to Kosair Children's Hospital where Brooklyn and her family are staying (also the same hospital that cared for my little sister when she was born---another story for another time). 

So, who wants a bracelet???

3.  Finally, if you're in the Etown area on Thursday, stop by Mr. Gattis.  They're donating 20% of their profits to Brooklyn.  But you HAVE to have this flyer for your meal to count towards the donation for Brooklyn.  Stop by, eat some pizza, play some Skee ball and give some money to Brooklyn. 

I'm a Believer.

I have a list.  It's a list of things that, when I get to Heaven, I'm asking God why they happened here on Earth.  Number one on the list, at the very top--highlighted, circled, in bold print--is why childhood cancer exists.  Why babies?   Why little children?  Why cancer?  Kids are supposed to be worry-free.  Their biggest problems should be which cartoon to watch and how long mom will let them stay up before bedtime.  They shouldn't be worrying about chemo treatments, scans and losing their hair.  Why kids, God?
Recently, a friend of mine announced on Facebook that her sweet little one year old, Brooklyn, went to the doctor.  While there, they found a tumor in her abdomen.  A tumor that turned out to be neuroblastoma.  Why Brooklyn, God?  When I read the news, I couldn't believe it.  After all, Brooklyn is my daughter's age.  How is it possible that she has CANCER?  I can't even begin to imagine how her parents feel.  Anger?  Shock?  Denial?  Grief?  All of the above, I'm sure.  My heart immediately went out to Erin, Brooklyn's mom.  I don't even know Erin that well.  Our paths have crossed over the years and we're friendly acquaintances, but I'm sure she wouldn't consider me a close friend.  But that doesn't matter.  She's a fellow mother.  As a mother, I know how it feels when your child is sick or in pain.  To know that your child is hurting and you can do absolutely nothing to take that pain away.  But I don't know what it's like to have a child with cancer.  No mother should ever have to know what that feels like.  Why Erin, God?  The more I thought about it, the more helpless I felt.  I prayed.  I BEGGED God to be with Erin and her husband Daniel.  To give them strength to get through this incredibly hard and long journey with their daughter.  I prayed for the doctors that would be helping to find out more about Brooklyn's cancer and what could be done to "make it go away (if only it were that easy!)."  I begged God to heal Brooklyn.  To take away the cancer and perform a miracle.  I have faith.  I know that my God is huge and that healing Brooklyn is something he can do.  But most of all, I just prayed for Brooklyn.  For a BABY that is going through something so adult, like scans and screens and treatments.  Brooklyn and her parents have been on my mind constantly since I read the news.  And even after praying, I still felt helpless.  Until one of their family members posted a link to Brooklyn's Caring Bridge website and I saw a link for donations.

Immediately, I logged on to give a donation.  Erin and Daniel are going to be off for, possibly, months while they fight this monster alongside their sweet little girl.  They're going to have lost income, hospital bills, treatment costs, doctor bills--mounting expenses for any young family.  So, along with my prayers, I gave a donation to help this family on their journey.  It wasn't much, but every little bit counts when it comes to battling cancer.  I ask that you do the same.  You may not know Brooklyn or Erin or Daniel.  Does it matter?  Here's a family....a BABY that's dealing with cancer.  An anonymous donation will pick up their spirits.  Do you all remember Lane?  The young boy who battled cancer and gained worldwide attention?  How awesome would it be if we could raise that much awareness for Brooklyn?  If we could raise that much money for Brooklyn's family?  Are you willing to make a small donation to help this family?  More than a just a monetary donation, it shows Erin, Daniel and Brooklyn that we CARE. I'm hurting for them and I hate that they're going through something like this and I donated money just so they know that they aren't alone.  So, Erin or family, if you're reading this.  I care.  I'm praying for you.  I am praying that you have the strength to get through this and come out on the other side, victorious. I'm praying every day---MULTIPLE times a day for Brooklyn and that she has the ability to beat this thing like I know she can.  Because I'm one of Brooklyn's Believers. 

If you're interested in making a donation, please visit Brooklyn's donation website at: http://www.giveforward.com/brooklynsbelievers

More than anything, spread the word. This family isn't alone. They need to know that we're here and we believe in them.

 

 

Honesty.

It's been awhile since I've posted. I haven't really had anything to say. This past Monday, my mother in law passed away from lung cancer. I got back on today, thinking I would blog like nothing was wrong. I wrote a post full of fluff and had zero substance. And then I realized it was all bull crap.  So I deleted it and I'm just going to tell you all how I'm feeling.

• I hate that my husband is only 26 years old and lost his mother.
• I'm angry that I didn't get more time getting to know her. Listening to her stories of my husband growing up. Showing me pictures. Teaching me about who Marty was and how he came to be the person he is today. 
• I'm so sad for Avery.
• I'm sad she's lost her grandmother and doesn't even realize it. 
• I'm sad for our future children. That they'll never meet her. 
• I'm brokenhearted that my husband is suffering and lost someone so important to him and I have no idea how to help him.
• I'm a little angry. Angry at her for smoking, knowing the risk and angry at myself for feeling that way. 
• I'm feeling selfish. I've been almost like a single mother for weeks while Marty spent the night at his parents and sat by her side. He watched his mother slip away and all I could focus on was the fact that I was the only one home to pick up the laundry and deal with Avery being sick. 
• I'm feeling guilty for needing my husband right now when his dad needs him more than I do.
• I'm upset that I don't know how to handle this. I don't know how to be there for Marty. Should I hang back, ask if he needs me, try to get him to talk or leave him alone?  
• I'm feeling grief all over again. My mother in law's cancer has brought back all the feelings from losing my grandfather to cancer. I think about him more often and my grief seems to be fresh, even after almost 12 years.
• I'm just feeling lost. I feel guilty for being the "in law" and feeling such grief and emotion when my husband has barely talked about how he's felt over the entire thing. I feel like I have little right to talk about my feelings when Marty isn't talking about his. 

I know it will get better. Life will move on and start to feel somewhat normal again. But I have no idea how long that will take. 

Hey, It's Okay Thursday!

Does anyone else get really excited when they find something on the Internet that they've never seen before?  A sort of "hidden gem," if you will?  I felt that way today when my friend Sarah wrote a post linking up to an "It's Okay Thursday" link party--where bloggers confess all their little quirks and guilty pleasures and declare that "it's okay!"  Just a fun way for you to let off some steam and realize that you're not so weird after all. :) 



It's okay.....

• That I've been listening to Christmas music non-stop for the past two weeks.  And secretly, I've wanted to put up Christmas decorations since Halloween.
• That I put Avery to sleep early on Sunday night so she would be good and asleep by the time Once Upon a Time came on.
• To have a drawer full of snacks at work when that 2 pm tummy rumbling hits.
• For said snack drawer to also contain two packages of child's juice boxes....that I drink for myself (apple and fruit punch baby!),
• That somedays, I don't have a clue what I'm doing when comes to dealing with my child and I have to call my mom for backup.
• That I don't have 100 followers on my blog or get as many comments on blog posts that I am super excited about.  Thank you to all of you that stick around.
• That I made a frozen Totino's pizza the other night and had to give myself an intense lecture to not eat the entire thing.
• To flip between a Harry Potter marathon and Disney Pixar movie week.
• To sing along with my daughter's Jake and the Neverland Pirates CD.
• That I completely despise Halloween. 
• To have taken a break from blogging to focus more on my family lately.

Whatever your weird/quirkiness is, just know....it's okay!  Happy Thursday! :)

A Day in the Life

I have something special for you guys today...I have a guest poster!  She's adorable.  She's spoiled.  She's a diva.  Welcome to a "day in the life of.....Avery Leigh."

Hey everybody!  I thought it was time for everyone to meet the baby behind the "Super Messy Supermommy."  Wanna know why my mommy is the way she is (frazzled, messy, crazy at times)?  Follow me on my journey through a single day.  Hope you can keep up!

6:58 am--Stir around in my bed.  Cry out a few times and then be quiet....it throws mommy off.  She thinks she can go back to sleep. 
7:05 am--Decide mommy has slept enough.  Chew on my bed and cry until she comes to get me.  If she waits more than two minutes, I think it's best to throw things to get attention.  Maybe howl a little.
7:08 am--Mommy's here!  Although she doesn't look as awake as I am....

7:10 am--Wiggle around a lot during diaper changing to help mommy wake up.
7:13 am--Run into mommy's office and touch all her paints before she finds me.

7:14 am--She found me.  I smile sweetly so she won't get mad.

7:19 am--Hide the remote.  She'll never find it!  Just like she hasn't found those 5 pairs of shoes I've hidden *evil giggle*

7:30 am--Favorite time of day---breakfast!  NutriGrain bars and Craisins. 

7:45 am--Finish breakfast.  Ask for more.  Mommy says no.  *sigh*
7:46 am--Tell daddy goodbye. 

8:00 am--Mickey Mouse is on!  I love that mouse.

8:17 am--Pretend like I'm getting sleepy.  It throws mommy off.  I even put a pillow in the floor and lay on it for dramatic effect.
8:19 am--Begged mommy to let me lay with her. 

8:20 am--Done pretending!  I think mommy fell for it!  I really just wanted to be up on the couch to play.
8:21 am--Beg for more food.  Craisins appear.  I like it when mommy does magic.
8:25 am--Ask for more Craisins.  Mommy tells me this is my "last snack."  We'll see about that....
8:30 am--Jake and the Neverland Pirates is on--my second favorite show!  Those songs are so darn catchy. 

8:34 am--Give mommy kisses.  I gotta keep up my sweet demeanor every once in awhile.

8:35 am--Find the Craisins mommy was hiding! 

8:50 am--Point to my hairbows and "ask" to wear one. Giggle when mommy puts in it my hair. Gosh, I'm cute.
8:51 am--Time to polish my music skills. I'm a reallllly good singer.

8:52 am--Violently rip hairbow out.  Gotta remind that hairbow who's boss.

8:55 am--Push mommy out of the bedroom and shut the door.  Repeat three times.  Giggle a lot. 

8:57 am--Mommy shuts the door and tells me I can't go back in my room.  Rude.
9:10 am--Brush up on some light reading.

9:14 am--Ask for more food.  Don't get any.  Sometimes mommy is mean.
9:15 am--Ask for more food.  Still don't get any.  Mommy says "I've had enough snacks for now."  Is there such a thing?
9:16 am--Realize Mickey is back on.  I'm getting a little sleepy, but I won't let mommy know.
9:25 am--Crawl up into mommy's lap, pretending to be sweet.  Maybe I'll just rest awhile. 

11:00 am--Wake up in my bed......what just happened?

11:11 am--Favorite time of day--lunch! 
11:12 am--Did you know everything is good with ketchup?  Macaroni and cheese, pickles, my fingers.....

11:24 am--Drag half of mommy's shoes out of the closet while she dries her hair.  She loves when I do that.

11:26 am--Find a pretty box in mommy's bathroom cabinet with yellow wrappers in it.  I think it's candy.

11:27 am--Run away with the box and dump the candy on the ground to find the best piece. 

11:28 am--Taste a wrapper.  Not candy.
11:32 am--Weigh myself.  Gained 2 ounces.  Need to lay off those sugar wafers.

11:40 am--Mommy is changing my diaper (again).  To mix things up, I try to help.  Grab my diaper and get brown stuff all over my bed.  Mommy has her angry face on and called me by my hospital name.  Am I in trouble?
11:41 am--Pat mommy on the hand.  She smiles.  Everything is fixed.
11:48 am--Mommy spots leftover ketchup on my face and tries to clean it.  I get mad....maybe I was saving it for later, okay?!
11:50 am--Figure out that if I turn my cup upside down and shake, water comes out.  Do this all over the living room floor. 

11:51 am--Mommy sees.  The angry face comes back.  This might call for two pats on the hand.
11:57 am--I have the urge to rip things.  Napkins sound good. 

11:58 am--Mommy isn't speaking to me.  This is definitely time for a hug.
11:59 am--Hug mommy.  Even pat her back a little.  She smiles and calls me "sweet baby."  She is so easy.
12:00 pm--Mommy is trying to get me to say "Love you."  Again.  I know how.  I just don't feel like it.
12:05 pm--We're in the car....road trip!

12:16 pm--"Party in the USA" comes on the radio.  Mommy dances and wants me to join her.  I'm just going to stare at her blankly and hope she stops.
12:17 pm--She puts in my Jake and the Neverland Pirates CD.  Now THAT'S my jam.  Proceed to rock out.
12:20 pm--Mommy tries to turn off Jake after just two songs.  I scream "Jaaaaake!" until she puts it back.  Success.
12:22 pm--Show mommy my new trick of gagging myself with three fingers.  She doesn't like it.  12:40 pm--Got to my cousin's house....non-stop playtime!!!
2:32 pm--Got a little sleepy.  Shook it off like a champ.
2:55 pm--Mommy keeps feeling my head and saying something about a fever.
3:15 pm--Leaving my cousins.  Sad time.  They have the best toys.
4:10 pm--Got home.  Mommy said something about wanting me to take a nap since I'm not feeling good.  She even turned on my nighttime sound machine.  Yeah, like that's gonna wor.........
5:33 pm--Woke up in my bed AGAIN!  How does this keep happening??
5:34 pm--Mommy used the stick thingy with numbers and said I don't have a fever anymore.  Like I care.
5:35 pm--Favorite time of day--dinner!  Spanish rice and corn.  Tip:  if you don't have half of your food on yourself by the end of the meal, you aren't doing something right.

6:00 pm--Daddy's home!!!  This means playtime, of course.
6:20 pm--Mommy said something about going out and went to go fix her hair.  I better go investigate.
6:22 pm--Found those wrappers in mommy's bathroom again.  I'm still suspicious of them being candy.  Decided to dump them for a double check.

6:23 pm--Still not candy.
6:24 pm--Helped mommy put them back in the box.  Maybe she'll give me real candy for helping.
6:35 pm--Aunt Dayna is here!!  Gosh, I love that redhead. 
6:37 pm--Mommy and Aunt Dayna are talking about leaving for a "girls night out."  I'm not invited?
6:40 pm--I decided to let mommy go to dinner.  Hope she doesn't think this is going to be a regular thing.  Guess I'll spend the rest of the night with daddy!  See you blogging peoples later! 

-Avery

Hot Mess Monday {Week 16}

Hot mess Monday time.  And yes, I'm feeling more hot messy than anything else this week.  I haven't blogged, I haven't slept and I haven't exercised.  *sigh*  Hopefully next week I'll be back in the "hot mama" mentality.

Original weight:  142.5 lbs
Last week's weight:  132.4 lbs
This week's weight:

Weight lost from last week:  zilch.

Overall weight lost:  10.1 lbs.

 

I'm still feeling good about the weight I've lost throughout my entire journey.  But this week, I just felt downright chubby.  Nothing fit right.  Since it's been getting chillier, I've had to pull out my fall/winter clothes.  The problem is, I don't have any warmer clothes that really fit my new shape.  Last fall, I'd just had a baby, so I was still sporting a lot of maternity and large sized clothing.  The year before that, I wasn't pregnant, so I was wearing my skinny clothes.  Now, fast forward to this year.  I don't need the larges or the maternity clothes, thanks to my 10 pound weight loss (gosh that feels good to say), but I certainly cannot fit into my pre-baby clothes anymore. That leaves me with maybe 6 shirts and one pair of jeans that I feel good in.  I have no dress pants, no sweaters, no extra pairs of jeans for backups.  I hear you now: "So just go buy yourself some new clothes Devan."  Thanks for the advice, but we have a tiny little problem.  My daughter Avery is a tiny little thing.  Right now, at 15 1/2 months old, she's sporting 9 and 12 month clothing.  Clothing that she SHOULD have been wearing this past spring and summer for her one year birthday.  So every piece of 9-12 month clothing she owns is short sleeved or sleeveless--all meant for warmer weather.  Not 50 degrees and raining.  I've been slowly trying to build up her wardrobe with sweaters and long sleeves and jackets.  Add in Christmas presents needing to be purchased and that doesn't leave a whole lot of money to make me feel like a hot mama.  Ah well.  I guess I just need to make do with the shirts and jeans that I have and keep myself feeling good, instead of trying to fit into those old clothes. 

I have started tracking my meals again on My Fitness Pal and I'm retraining myself to watch what I'm eating.  I'm also going to start the Couch to 5K program, courtesy of my mom's treadmill.  I'm going to be printing out those quotes that I found last week {Suck it up, and one day you won't have to suck it in!}.  And hopefully, next week, I'll see the number "131" on my scale.  

Hot Mama Continues!

Hot Mama Monday continues my friends!

Original weight:  142.5 lbs
Last week's weight:  133.6
This week's weight:

Weight lost since last week:  1.2 lbs!!
Overall loss:  10.1 lbs!! 

I'll be honest.  I was dreading this morning.  I knew I had made some healthy choices and didn't snack and drank more water, but I didn't exercise and I didn't count calories.  So I really wasn't sure where I stood with this week's weight.  When stepped on the scale this morning and saw this, I had to refrain from screaming (since my husband was laying in bed not 20 feet away).  You better believe I did a happy dance though--that's why the picture is blurry.  :)

Biggest challenges this week:  Self-esteem and feeling like I CAN do this.  I get easily discouraged when things don't go my way.  So, when I woke up one morning having a "fat day" and not feeling very good in my clothes, I wanted to give up.  I wanted to drive to my nearest drive thru and get a Big Mac.  I'm terrible about rewarding or comforting myself with food.  I'm not going to lie, there are some big things going on in life right now that leave me feeling completely overwhelmed and stressed.  My immediate reaction is to turn to the comfort foods--the chips, the mac and cheese, the powdered donuts.  I never realized this about myself.  I never thought that I was the type that looked at food as a crutch.  But I do.  And I think now that I've recognized that and admitted it about myself, it'll be easier to stop it when I do feel like comforting myself with food.

What worked:  I think I'm beginning to understand what I can and can't have.  I know which foods I used to eat before my diet began and I know their calorie counts and I know to stay away.  I know to drink more water and snack on baked chips or fruit.  It's beginning to register. 

I know I've been saying it for awhile now, but I AM going to exercise.  THIS WEEK.  I may have lost 10 pounds during this journey, but I'm not really feeling it yet.  My jeans are still too tight, I still see the extra weight under my chin.  And I know that's not going away unless I work for it.  So, to guide me, a few quotes I found by following "Fitness Motivator" on Twitter:

"Motivation is what gets you started.

Habit is what keeps you going."

 

"The only workout you'll regret is the one you never did."

 

"Less sugar, more fruit.  Less meat, more veggies.  Less soda, more water.

Less worry, more sleep.  LESS WORDS, MORE ACTION."

 

And, my personal favorite:

 

"SUCK IT UP, then one day, you won't have to SUCK IT IN."

 

So.  Suck it up Devan. 



30 for 30...almost.

I admit defeat.  If any of you were wondering, I never finished my "30 for 30" posts.  Don't get me wrong--I finished the challenge:  only 30 items of clothing and shoes for 30 days.  I did it.  I promise (ask anyone around me...they know I wore the same exact clothes every day). Where I failed was actually documenting every single day's outfit in a photo.  I got to day 22.  Then we went on vacation.  Actually, then I was busy packing and then we went on vacation.  I kept telling myself that I was going to get the clothes out and take pictures of the outfits I wore on days 23-30.  But life happened.  We came home, I had mountains and mountains of laundry to do and sort and put away (some until next summer).  Then we decided to put our house up for sale and I've been obsessed with trying to keep the house clean every morning before I leave for work and then trying to make as little mess as possible every evening (most days I fail miserably).  Days 23-30 never got photographed.  At least I had good intentions, right?  That's life though....especially life for me right now.  I have amazing intentions:  I'm going to fix dinner every night, I'm going to cut coupons and spend as little as possible on frivolous things, I'm going to finish all my laundry, I'm going to re-decorate the house and make it more fashionable, I'm going to clear out my entire wardrobe and make myself more presentable.  And then life happens.  I cook dinner maybe one night out of the entire week and eat sandwiches the rest.  I cut coupons for a few things, take them to the grocery and then forget I had them.  I see a cute pair of shoes that are calling my name and talk myself into buying them.  I have piles of laundry waiting for me every single night, the decor in my house hasn't been changed in over 6 months and my wardrobe is nowhere near as fashionable as I want it.  Since when is life perfect?  I'm sure as heck not. :)  So, without further ado, days 21 and 22.

One more dose of imperfection before I go.....taking these pictures was sometimes a pain in the rear.  Because my daughter is an expert photobomber.  She somehow would know the exact second I was taking a picture because she would rush in and sneak into my photo before I even knew it.  Examples:

 

 

I'm telling y'all.  She could make a living out of photobombing. 

Fighting Back.

I've been wanting to write this post for awhile, but never really had any words to start it.  How do you sum up your feelings of hatred for something in one blog post?  How do you talk about something that has changed your life forever in a couple of paragraphs?  So, I guess I'll just say this:

I HATE cancer.
 

No other words I could ever say could appropriately describe how I feel about this disease.  I hate it.  I hate that it exists.  I hate the fear it invokes when people say the word.  I hate that it rips families apart and makes them hurt and grieve.  I hate that it takes loved ones away--before we're ready to let them go.  I hate that it took my Peepaw.  I hate that colon cancer took him too soon and I only got 14 years with him.  I hate that it made him hurt.  I hate that, if I want to see him, I have to look at a picture instead of going to his house to see his face.  I hate that cancer is the reason Peepaw didn't get to see my high school graduation.  My tenure as a Kentucky FFA State Officer.  My college diploma.  I hate that, because of cancer, I had to light a memory candle for him at my wedding instead of having him sit by my beautiful Meemaw and witness it all.  I hate that cancer didn't allow him to meet my husband.  Or my daughter, Avery.  I hate that, because of cancer, I'll never hear him laugh again.  Never see him in his Sheriff's uniform again.  Never feel his all-encompassing hugs again.  I hate that cancer is the reason that I'm crying while writing this post.  I.  Hate.  Cancer. 

I'm not one to question God.  I know there's a bigger plan and that it isn't my place to understand it all.   I know that He doesn't MAKE bad things happen, but he does allow them.  Even as a Christian and having faith that God has a purpose for everything that happens in this world, I struggle daily with the existence of cancer.  I struggle with finding the good in the story of 13 year old Lane that had cancer for 3 years and still lost his battle in the end.  I struggle with comprehending why God would allow a three year old to battle cancer and lose.  I don't understand it.  One thing remains true, however:  we have ALL felt cancer's touch.  You may not have lost a loved one, but you've known someone that's had it:  a co-worker.  A friend's family member.  A fellow church goer.  An aquantaince.  A random story on Facebook that you stumbled upon and it changed your life forever.  Whether they were close to you or not, you've been affected by cancer.  This breaks my heart.  What other disease in this world has touched so many people? 

Cancer gives us a reason to celebrate...but not in the way you're thinking.  We celebrate those who have WON.  Who have faced cancer and beat it.  We celebrate those people that are still here with us and who wear the badge of "Survivor." 

Cancer gives us a reason to remember.  We remember all those people, like my Peepaw, who lost their battle.  Whose memories and laughter are still with us, even if they aren't. 

Cancer gives us a reason to fight back.  I'm so tired of sitting by and listening to people rattle off a list of more individuals that I know that have found out they have cancer.  SICK OF IT.  There's no reason that I shouldn't be able to do something about this.  So I'm fighting back.  I'm a member of a Relay for Life team that raises money to help people know how to stay well.  To know that you need to get your screenings and colonoscopies and mammograms done at a certain age (sooner if you have a family history of cancer).  I raise money to help people get well.  Did you know that the Breast Cancer Death Rate is down 33% since 1990?  That's because of people like me that donate to the American Cancer Society to fund research and find cures.  Mostly as a Relayer though, I just want to fight back.  I want to show cancer that I'm not helpless.  I lost a loved one, but that doesn't mean that I want this disease to take others I love as well.  I FIGHT BACK for my mom, my daughter, my future grandchildren.  I FIGHT BACK so others don't have to hear that their loved one has cancer.  I FIGHT BACK for that 14 year old, just like I once was, so she doesn't have to lose her grandfather to this terrible disease. 

I HATE cancer.  And I'm doing something about it.