Honesty.

It's been awhile since I've posted. I haven't really had anything to say. This past Monday, my mother in law passed away from lung cancer. I got back on today, thinking I would blog like nothing was wrong. I wrote a post full of fluff and had zero substance. And then I realized it was all bull crap.  So I deleted it and I'm just going to tell you all how I'm feeling.

• I hate that my husband is only 26 years old and lost his mother.
• I'm angry that I didn't get more time getting to know her. Listening to her stories of my husband growing up. Showing me pictures. Teaching me about who Marty was and how he came to be the person he is today. 
• I'm so sad for Avery.
• I'm sad she's lost her grandmother and doesn't even realize it. 
• I'm sad for our future children. That they'll never meet her. 
• I'm brokenhearted that my husband is suffering and lost someone so important to him and I have no idea how to help him.
• I'm a little angry. Angry at her for smoking, knowing the risk and angry at myself for feeling that way. 
• I'm feeling selfish. I've been almost like a single mother for weeks while Marty spent the night at his parents and sat by her side. He watched his mother slip away and all I could focus on was the fact that I was the only one home to pick up the laundry and deal with Avery being sick. 
• I'm feeling guilty for needing my husband right now when his dad needs him more than I do.
• I'm upset that I don't know how to handle this. I don't know how to be there for Marty. Should I hang back, ask if he needs me, try to get him to talk or leave him alone?  
• I'm feeling grief all over again. My mother in law's cancer has brought back all the feelings from losing my grandfather to cancer. I think about him more often and my grief seems to be fresh, even after almost 12 years.
• I'm just feeling lost. I feel guilty for being the "in law" and feeling such grief and emotion when my husband has barely talked about how he's felt over the entire thing. I feel like I have little right to talk about my feelings when Marty isn't talking about his. 

I know it will get better. Life will move on and start to feel somewhat normal again. But I have no idea how long that will take.