Mommy Knows Best

I haven't made it any secret that Avery doesn't sleep.  And, at 12 months old, this hasn't changed.  We've tried it all...to the point of not trying anything anymore.  Whatever happens, happens--whether that means getting up once during the night at 5:30 or if that means waking up at 2, 3:30, 4:15 and 6.  It's random in our house.  We've tried keeping bedtime routines strict, then no routine, cereal and bath before bed, bottle to fall asleep, sound machine, sleep training....you name it, we've tried it.  Our kid just isn't responding.  I was pretty much okay with it.  I accepted that she'll do whatever she needs to do and prayed to God every night that she'll eventually grow out it.  But recently, Avery has been visited by the teething fairy (boy, I'd love to punch that woman) and has made sleep pretty much non-existent in my home.  Instead of waking up at 3 and whining for a little while, Avery would wake and a full-on, scream-her-head-off crying jag would begin.  No pacifier would quiet her, no bottle would soothe.  She didn't want to be in her bed, held, rocked, laid on the couch with daddy, NOTHING.  We basically gave her Advil and fought her until she finally passed out again.  Completely, utterly, physically and mentally draining.  I've been in a fog....it's hard to get up in the morning, it's hard to find motivation to do anything throughout the day, it's hard to stay awake on the drive to and from work.  This stage is so exhausting.  Then, on Saturday night, we went to my cousin's wedding and stayed the night in a hotel.  Avery was worn out by the time the wedding was over, so my mom and sister took her back to the hotel room so she could turn in for the night.  When Marty and I got in, we left her in my parent's room and I worried all night long what kind of sleep they were getting.  Was Avery screaming her head off and they were cursing me for a terrible night?  When morning came, I went to their room....and putting on my most sympathetic and "I-totally-understand-because-I'm-living-it-everyday" face, I asked "How did she sleep??"  All night, y'all.  She tossed and turned around 5:30, but never woke up and slept until 8:30.  WHAT.THE.HELL.  What does my kid have against her daddy and I that she is hell-bent and determined not to sleep for us??  Better yet, determined that WE don't get any sleep either.  Frustrated is only the beginning of what I was feeling.  Yesterday, when I got home, there was a card addressed to Marty and I in the mailbox.  I opened it:

And I know it's going to be okay.  Because sometimes you just need your mommy to tell you so.

Nine months and finally getting the hang of it.

9 months.  That's how long it took Avery to fully grow and develop inside my belly before it was safe for her to come out and join her mommy, daddy and world full of people that love her.  And that's exactly how long it's taken me to adjust to life with her.  Don't get me wrong, I accepted the fact that I'm responsible for another human being the second they laid her on my chest, but after 9 months, I have finally gotten to the point that I can not only live with a baby, but can actually function while doing so.  We've found our "groove."  I know what works with her, for the most part, and I've figured out what I can accomplish on days we're together.  I know that in the mornings, she's pretty clingy and fussy and I won't be able to get much done until she's woken up from her morning nap.  I know when she should take naps (10 and 2).  I know how long those naps should approximately be (an hour and a half to two).  I know which toys are her favorite (Violet the talking puppy and Minnie Mouse).  I know how she acts when she gets sleepy (randomly laying down and patting the floor) and what I should do when she starts getting sleepy (find a pacifier and turn on Mickey Mouse Clubhouse).  I know when I can start to do laundry while she's sleeping (after 20 minutes, she's really asleep and is oblivious to noise).  I know what to do if she's uncontrollably screaming (turn on Elvis).  This feels good.  In November, I was feeling like I would NEVER get to this point.  I was drowning.  My house was disgusting, my kid wasn't on a sleeping schedule and never, ever slept and I felt so out of control.  That seems like so long ago.  No, my house isn't spotless, but I do keep it picked up.  I do several loads of laundry during the week and catch up on the weekends.  I put things away after I use them.  I pick up Avery's toys at the end of the night.  Lately, I've begun to focus on the design of my house again.  I rearranged my living room furniture, switched out tables and lamps and have several home projects on the horizon.  No, my baby still doesn't sleep, but we're working on it.  After trying almost everything else, we're going with something new.  Avery's sleeplessness and waking up around 12:30 am every morning was making Marty and I both exhausted....and was making me crazy.  Somehow, we discovered that Avery slept really great with Marty on the couch.  So for awhile, we did that.  She started out in her crib every night and when she woke between 12:30 and 2, she'd go to sleep in the living.  It wasn't ideal, but it was working....and more importantly, everyone was sleeping.  Recently, she started getting really restless at night and she and Marty weren't getting a good night's sleep.  So we've started a 4 step process.  First stage, go in to her when she wakes and is crying, pick her up and rock her until she's settled and sleepy and then lay her back in bed while she's still awake.  If she cries, repeat the process.  Do this for several nights until Avery "gets used to it."  Second stage, go to her when she wakes and don't pick her up.  Just talk to her, pat her, rub her back, but don't pick her up.  Third stage, go to her and talk to her by using calming words, but don't touch her or pick her up.  Fourth stage, go to her and talk to her from the doorway, but don't go in the room to her.  After 4 nights, it seems to be working.  Last night, she slept from 9 to 5.  EIGHT HOURS.   Completely unheard of in the Gaddie household.  I don't want to talk much more about it because I'm afraid I'll jinx it.  Just cross your fingers that it wasn't a fluke. Since we're getting on a regular schedule, I'm feeling more crafty again and I have SEVERAL things planned as far as house projects go.  I hope to start a new series on this blog, along with the the supper club.  Stay tuned. :)
I'm doing something different for this week's menu.  Instead of going out and buying ingredients, I'm utilizing different things that are in my pantry.  Seems stupid to buy all new food when I have a semi-stocked pantry full of food that needs to be used.  This week's Super Messy Supper Club menu:
Monday:  Lasagna roll ups (due to unforseen circumstances last week, this was never made).
Tuesday:  Shake and bake chicken, green beans and biscuits.
Wednesday: Beef with broccoli
Thursday: Spaghetti and meatballs
Friday:  BBQ chicken sandwich (chicken breasts in the crock-pot, bbq sauce, low for 6 hours)
Saturday:  Derby party!  I need to find a good side dish or appetizer recipe to take to the host.  Suggestions?

Here's to looking forward to getting the hang of this mommy business as Avery gets older!

Rantings. And LOTS of them.

{Warning. I am going to be complaining. I don't need judgement. I just need to vent. This is more for me than for anyone else to actually read, so it's probably going to be a jumbled mess of angry rantings. You've been warned.}

I have a zombie baby. One who has decided that sleep, unfortunately, just isn't for her, no matter what kind of sleep training techniques or bedtime routines her mommy and daddy try. And we're not just talking not sleeping at nighttime. That, I could almost handle. We're talking not sleeping...EVER. She's a notorious catnapper. Ten to twenty minutes later, she's awake. You rock her to sleep when you see that rare window of opportunity when she begins to rub her eyes and show signs of sleepiness. But don't even dare try to lay her down. She has a magic sensor that alerts her body when someone is no longer holding her and those sweet little brown eyes fly right open. No matter how tired she is or how little sleep she got the night before. She WILL NOT sleep unassisted. She has to have help going to sleep and staying asleep. The going to sleep thing, I can handle. I love rocking her and singing her a variety of bedtime lullabies and watching as she can't fight anymore and sleep overcomes her. Those moments, I cherish. It's the moments when she cries the second I lay her in her crib or on a mat in the floor are the ones that are about to drive me bananas. For the most part, I had come to terms with the fact that Avery never sleeps. Until this morning. The last three nights, Avery has been up almost every single hour and laid in her bed and whined. Not really cried, which lets me know that she isn't in pain or needing to be comforted, just whined. Like "Someone please come get me because I sound so pathetic and I know you can't stand it" whined. And for the past two nights, I've ignored her. (when I say ignored, I mean laid by the monitor and listened to every noise she made, but didn't go to her). Last night, however, was a different story. After several hours of waking, whining and falling back asleep, Avery thought that 4:30 am was an appropriate time to wake up and start really crying. Just enough to get my attention to make me think that she didn't feel good or needed to be attended to. So I got up, went in her room and got her out of her bed, thinking that I could rock her back to sleep. Fifteen minutes later, I still had a wide-eyed baby that had no intention of going back to sleep in her crib. So I made the mistake that I'm sure a lot of sleep-deprived mommies make....I put her in our bed. I swore, from the moment I found out that we were expecting, that our babies would not sleep in our bed. I didn't want to find ourselves, five years down the road, with a toddler still sleeping in between. But sometimes, in the wee hours of the morning when you would do almost anything to get a few hours of sleep, you're not thinking 100% clearly. I laid her down, thinking the warmth of our bed and her laying in between us would immediately put her back to sleep. Wrong. She laid in our bed....and played. She reached for my pajama top, my nose, my hair, the blanket--anything she could get her hands on and play with. She rolled from Marty's side to mine. She flipped over, she sighed, she popped her pacifier in and out of her mouth. Basically, she did everything BUT sleep. Soon, I found myself facing 6 am and time to shower and start the day....all without a single wink of sleep since 4:30. I gave her a bottle and placed her beside Marty, thinking that she'd keep him awake and demand early morning playtime or episodes of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. So I showered and fought to stay awake. I applied my makeup and fixed my hair. All was well until my dryer bumped the display board where I have all of my earrings and down went all of my earrings in the sink. As I picked up the pairs of earrings, I found only one lone earring belonging to my favorite pair....meaning the other probably went right down the drain. And I lost it. I stood in my bathroom and cried. Over a $5 pair of fake pearl studs. I knew it was less about the earrings (which could be easily replaced with a trip to Claire's or another equally cheap jewelry place) and more about the fact that my baby's sleep issues make me feel like a complete and utter failure. What have I done, or haven't done, to get her to this current pattern of sleeplessness that she's in?? Did I baby her too much as a newborn? Did I hold her too much? Show her too much attention? Rock her to sleep too long when she should have been laid in her crib as soon as her bedtime routine was over? Which, in turn, made me angry. Why should it always be my fault? Why should it be something that I did, or didn't do, to cause something as huge as these ridiculous sleep issues? I shook off these feelings, finished drying my hair and walked out of the bathroom to get dressed...only to find my 7 month old curled up to her daddy....sound asleep. Which started another fit of crying. Why me? Why will she go to sleep just fine for Marty, but seems dead-set against getting a good night's sleep for my sake? It wasn't always like this. When Avery was about 10 weeks old, she was sleeping at least 8 hours through the night. I was incredibly thankful. Each night that I would lay down and wake 6 hours later without a peep was a restful and wonderful night. Then, Avery caught a cold. Stuffy noses and a whiny baby became our nightly routine and I thought we'd never get back to that blissful state of restfulness we were in before. Until Marty and I started Avery on a pretty strict bedtime routine. At 7 pm, on the dot, we were beginning her routine which started with a bottle and cereal and ended with a bath and lotion-y massage. For awhile, that worked. She would sleep from 8-5 consistently for about 2 weeks. Then she got an ear infection and broncholitis and spent an entire week in our bed propped up on pillows so I could make sure she was still breathing through the night. Which brings us to our current state. The routine is still the same...filling that little tummy and then a bath and lotion before bed, but the results have been far different than they were before. But no one else in the house seems to be affected by this sleeplessness, other than me. Avery is a happy baby...seemingly unaware as to how awesome sleep is and the fact that most babies her age should be getting 10-18 hours of sleep a day. We're lucky if we get 18 hours in two. Marty, while extremely helpful whenever I ask him to get out of bed and tend to her, has the remarkable ability to sleep through anything and usually doesn't hear her crying at night. There have been a few times that he'll stir when she's really wailing, but he can always roll over and go right back to sleep. And I'm envious...and a little bit angry...and a lot bit resentful. Anger is now my #1 emotion...if I'm being completely honest with myself. In fact, more than once during this frustrating morning, I had to refrain from punching my snoring husband. And why? I'm exhausted and want sleep more than anything...why on earth would I begrudge anyone of getting their own 6-8 hours of sleep a night? But when I'm in the middle of being sleep-deprived, I don't think of things like that. I think of how jealous I am that he gets to sleep and how I want to be the one that's drooling on my pillow. I've become this irrationally angry person that I don't even like being around. I get mad over clothes left in the laundry room or a dish left on the table. Things that absolutely don't matter in the long run. But rational thinking and an even-temper have completely left me. And I have no idea how to get them back. I resolve to be a nicer person and to control my emotions when it's no one's fault that I'm so tired, but I can't. I go right back to being the snappy, hormonal, momasarus I was before. Not to mention the fact that I have become a blithering idiot. I can't think of words that I'm wanting to say, I lose my train of thought at the drop of a hat and if it's not written down or I'm not reminded 5 times or more, I will forget things. My co-worker probably thinks I'm the dumbest person in the world. I feel like I'm on this vicious merry-go-round: Avery doesn't sleep=I don't sleep=I blame myself=I feel like a failure=I get angry=Avery still doesn't sleep...the cycle continues. I want it to stop. I want my baby to sleep. Forget all of my issues for a second...how is she functioning?? If a baby is supposed to be getting 10-18 hours and she's getting maybe 7 the entire day, how is that good for her? If she doesn't take naps, is she a burden to anyone that watches her? I know I'm barely able to get things done on the weekends because she refuses to be left alone and she doesn't nap...do other people resent the fact that they have to stay right by her side the entire time they're babysitting her? In fact, this very issue lost us a regular weekly babysitter. One who had children of her own that needed her attention, which is how is should be, and my whiny baby was beginning to interfere with that. Which makes me feel like a terrible mom. No one likes to hear that their baby cried all day and didn't let the babysitter get anything done. I don't want to be THAT mom. I just don't know what else to do. We've tried crying it out. It worked for a little while, but now she's up all the time just crying. What do I do? Go to her every hour that she's crying and rock her back to sleep? But then doesn't that teach her that she needs me to comfort her before she enters any state of sleep? Do I let her cry every single time through the entire night? But doesn't that teach her that nighttime isn't an enjoyable time because she knows she'll lay in her crib and cry? Why isn't there a clear answer? I can handle all the ifs of mommyhood...if she'll be succesful, if she'll hit her milestones on time, if she'll be healthy and happy...but this is one issue that I just want the magic answer. Don't get me wrong, if there's a good reason to lose sleep, my Avery girl would be the best one. But I would like the magic formula to get my baby to sleep through the night and get my home to return to some type of order and the old, pleasant Devan back. I guess until then, I just have to keep repeating that "this too shall pass...."

Worrywart.

Out of all my character flaws (and I have many--impatience, temper, pouting when things don't go my way), my worrying is the worst. I have the innate ability to worry about anything and everything. I'll take anything, which can start as something very small, and worry about it until it becomes a very large and overwhelming situation. I can't help it. I worry about Avery CONSTANTLY--is she happy? Is she being fed okay? What if she's allergic to every fruit I give her for the rest of her life (the current list is bananas and pears)? Is this current I-need-you-all-the-time, whiny stage of her life caused by something I did...or didn't...do? Will she ever get back on a sleep schedule again?? I worry about myself--am I a good enough mom? Will I ever learn how to balance Avery and a home? Will I find time to paint again? Am I destined to be a zombie mom? I worry about my husband and my family--about their health, happiness and relationship with me. I worry about my relationship with God--is it strong enough? Do I pray enough? What is God going to say to me when He gets the chance? I even worry about worrying too much! I've always been this way. When invited to high school parties or to friend's houses whose parents were gone for the night, I declined their invitations because I worried that my dad would know the next door neighbors and they'd see my car at the party. Sometimes I wonder if I've been this way since birth. But it's Lent. And if I could truly give anything up, it wouldn't be Dr. Peppers for 40 days or facebook. It would be worrying. Since I know that isn't a realistic, I am going to make it my Lenten goal to worry LESS. For 40 days (and hopefully longer), I will worry less and enjoy more. I will give my problems over to God instead of thinking that I'm big enough to handle everything on my own. It shows my own lack of faith in believing that my worrying will solve anything instead of handing the problem immediately over to God and relying on Him to help me through. I will print off these quotes and place them where I can read them and remind myself daily that I need not worry. And hopefully by the end of this Lenten season, I'll be a worry-free(ish) and happier me. :)