Love Is.

I'm not gonna lie. At one time, my views on love were verrrry different than they are right now. But after seven years together, four years of marriage and one daughter later, I have a little different opinion on what love looks like. 

When Marty and I were dating and newly married, love looked like a nice dinner and a movie. It looked like driving around and talking forever about anything that was on our minds. Flowers for no reason. Buying me jewelry. Sweet love notes. PDA. Grand gestures of love. 

Now, it looks a little bit different. Love looks like running through a drive thru so I don't have to cook. Buying me a Dr Pepper because he knew I had a headache and we were out of caffeine at home. Holding my hand in Walmart.  Finding time at the end of the day to talk about our days and spend some time alone. Asking if I'd like to sit on the couch and watch the Big Bang Theory with him. Taking the trash out before I even ask. 

I know those of you that are newlyweds are probably shaking your heads and laughing. Don't get me wrong, we had our honeymoon stage. But now, it feels different. Now, Marty telling me that he's going to take Avery out of the house for the afternoon so I can get some things done and then take a nap is just as romantic as a bouquet of flowers (sometimes even more so, depending on what I need to get done!). I don't need the public displays of affection and the expensive gestures. Are they nice? Sure. Are they appreciated? Absolutely. A dinner alone is needed every once in awhile. But I don't need it every day. Because I know that, in his own way, through his actions that my husband is telling me he loves me every single day. And that's hot. :) 

Becoming a Proverbs 31 Woman....Step 1

Last week, I made the conscious decision to be the best "Proverbs 31" woman I could be.  I am going to strive to be better in my relationships with my family, provide food, wisdom and love for my husband and daughter and become closer in my walk with Christ through this project.  Before I start this project though, there's something that needs to be done.  Before I can tie on my apron strings or start praising my husband and bring him good, not harm, I have one step I need to take that's pretty crucial.  I first need to work on loving myself. 
I've always struggled with low self-esteem...pretty much my entire life actually.  I've never felt pretty enough, cool enough, fashionable enough, funny enough.  Basically, I just have never felt like I'm good enough.  Because of that, I am constantly comparing myself to everyone around me. 

"Gosh, she's so witty.  Why can't I think of funny things to say like that?" 

 

"Her child is so well-behaved.  What have I done wrong that Avery isn't perfect like her little girl?" 

 

"Man.  Her blog has 150 followers.  What am I doing wrong that I can't get that many?" 

And on and on and on the cycle continues.  Instead of thanking my Heavenly Father for giving me friends that are funny or great moms or good bloggers, I envy their life.  I compare them to me and always come up with the conclusion that I fall short.  But who's to say that their life is the standard for how things should be?  Why does my friend with the perfect child embody a perfect mom to me?  So my kid cries when she's hungry and has learned how to stomp her foot when things don't go her way....does that make me a bad mom?  So what if my friend's blog has more followers than mine?  I should be excited for her successes and thankful for the readers I do have.  Instead of always comparing myself to others, I need to be thankful for what I've been given.  Judging myself compared to the people around me is always going to make me feel inadequate.  This quote has now become my life motto.  I'm writing it down and carrying it in my car, pocket, wallet, purse so I can see it wherever I go. 

 

"Someone will always be prettier.  Someone

will always be smarter.  Someone

will always be younger.

But they will never be you."

 

How true is this?? She may have better clothes or a more successful blog, but she isn't ME!  She isn't a 5'4" brunette married to Marty, mother of Avery, daughter of Dennis and Lisa.  She can't spout out Disney quotes like it's her personal information and she didn't grow up with the best cousins a girl could ask for.  She doesn't have a small scar on her left hand from a curling iron burn right before her ballet recital.  She isn't the big sister of Dayna and Kristen. She's never had my Granny's fried chicken or watched golf with my Papaw.  She doesn't know what it's like to be rocked by my Meemaw or have memories of my Peepaw.    She isn't me.  I'm me...and I'm the only me there is.  God made me special...and HE loves me.  So what if I don't have her life or her looks or her cooking skills?  I do have a plethora of skills and abilities that God DID bless me with.  While I was brainstorming about this post, I was trying to think of my best features.  Sadly, it took me awhile to come up with more than 5 things that I currently like about myself.  There's something so wrong with that!  How can I ever expect Avery to respect me or Marty to love the unique things about me if I can't be confident and love myself?  How can I ever teach my daughter to have self-respect and self-worth if I don't embody that belief myself?  So, every morning (and hopefully multiple times a day), I'm going to start giving myself praises.  During my lather, rinse, repeat routine, I'm going to name 5 things that I like about myself.  And they can't be the same every day.  Five DIFFERENT things that I like about myself or think that I do well.  Or maybe I'll just repeat the mantra from The Help daily: 

"You is kind.  You is smart.  You is important."



Don't Ever Grow Up....

I have a (somewhat) crazy confession to make.  I don't want my kid to grow up.  Not because I'm not ready for kindergarten or her terrible twos.  Not because I'm  not ready for her getting older or hitting new milestones, but simply because I think I'll miss this version of her that I have right now.  Is that crazy?  I don't want my baby to grow up anymore because I love this Avery that I have with me right now.  The Avery that is full of life and personality.  The Avery that's learning something new every day and loves showing off her new skills.  The Avery that learns a new word and insists on saying it every 5 minutes so you're completely aware that she's learned a new word (word of the week: uh oh!).  My Avery that giggles uncontrollably when I smell her stinky feet and loves trying on mommy's shoes.  I love my Avery that loves her Minnie Mouse doll and needs to lay her head on my shoulder to let me know it's time for a nap.  I love my Avery that's going through a MAJOR Mommy's girl stage.  I love this Avery that is still unsteady when she walks sometimes and is easily amused by the smallest things in life.  This Avery with the chubby feet and the downy soft hair.  I love my Avery that loves to dance to Jake and the Neverland Pirates and becomes mesmerized when the the Small Potatoes comes on Disney Junior.  I'm afraid I'll miss this Avery when she's 2, 3, 5+ years old.  Yes, I know that she'll still be the same person, but what if her personality changes?  What if her sweet, happy-go-lucky demeanor changes and she becomes a completely different person?  Yes, I loved Avery as a newborn, as a 3 month old, as a 6 month old.  But this Avery is so different.  She's so much fun to be around and watch as she learns about the world around her.  If she changed so much from newborn Avery, is she going to be completely different as 5 year old Avery?  Will my love for her be any different?  Or will I constantly be thinking about this Avery that I have right now and how much I miss her?  Does my mom love adult me less than she loved child/infant me?  Is this normal?

A letter to my Avery...

My sweet Avery girl,

I can't believe you're already a year old!!  A year ago today, I was laying in my hospital bed wondering how I could ever love anything more than I loved you at that moment.  I'd known you less than 24 hours, yet you were completely perfect and I knew that I had been put on this world to be your mommy.  Over the last year, I've watched you grow and learn.  I've watched you develop a personality (and an attitude!).  It's so funny to watch you learn something new...you're so proud of yourself whenever you finally master it and you look over at your daddy and me to make sure we're watching you.  You're so smart (doesn't every mother say that??).  You bring joy to everyone around you--your personality is contagious!  Your entire family loves you beyond words and spoils you to no end....all you have to do is point and grunt and people go running to get you whatever you want!  It's been a joy to watch you learn different stages---rolling over, crawling and now walking!!   To watch you learn new words and phrases (your favorite right now is "I want that!") and use them more and more everyday.  You go nowhere without your Minnie Mouse doll and we quickly have a panic attack on our hands when you realize she's not in reach.  Unfortunately for mommy and daddy, you still don't sleep well through the night and don't nap much, but you'll learn!  You are the complete spitting image of your daddy---busy, can't sit still, into everything you can get your hands on and completely adorable.  I know you've only been in our home for a year, but I can't remember what life was ever like without you.  I thank God every morning that I get to wake up and spend another day watching you grow.  Nothing matters more to me than being your mommy.  I love you so much sweet girl.  Thank you for making your first year the best one of my entire 26.  Happy birthday.

Love,

Mommy

Wake up call

Yellow shoes.  A skinnier body.  That new summer outfit.  A custom built house.  A fuller bank account.  I'm ashamed to admit it, but I have been suffering from a bad case of discontentment.  I know my life is wonderful and I am incredibly lucky.  I have a beautiful child who is pretty well behaved.   I have a husband who helps around the house and is sensitive to my needs.  We have a gorgeous starter house that's the perfect size for our family.  I have a Jesus who loves me despite my many, many faults.  Yet, I'm not happy.  I want things I can't have.  I want a new wardrobe to fit this post baby body.  I want the latest gadget that promises to make my life easier.  I've found a house plan that I've fallen in love with and I look at everyday.  I want to live in Etown, not 40 miles away.  I'm not proud of this.  I'm not proud that I'm surrounded by blessings and still feel unhappy.  Recent life events have left me feeling like a rug has been pulled from underneath me and I'm left realizing what's truly important in life.  It's not the worldly possessions I once envied and cherished.  I honestly believe that everything in life happens for a reason.  Maybe God put this bump in our journey to wake me up and realize that I don't need to have the latest and greatest.  I don't need to be surrounded by things.  I have family....and a large one at that.  Family that would do anything for me.  I have a daughter....a child that reminds me every single day that there's still good in the world and I have something to be thankful for.  I have a husband....who is my perfect half and I would be completely lost without.  I have a God....a God that, no matter what situation life throws me, is protecting me and loves me completely unconditionally.  This is enough. 

Ain't love grand?

When I was younger, I had a black Labrador retriever named Pepper. Greatest dog ever. I got him for Christmas when I was 2 years old and grew up with that dog by my side.  I adored him. And I thought I knew what love was....
Until I had my first "boyfriend" in middle school. We never went on a date, held hands or really even talked to each other, but I thought I knew what love was....
Until I had my first high school relationship. We went on dates and hung out.  And I thought I knew what love was....
Until I met Marty.  We had an instant connection to each other and even when we were "just friends," I always wondered what it would be like if we were dating.  Then he asked me to be his girlfriend.  And I was convinced I knew what love was....
Until we had been together for a few years and he got down on one knee in front of hundreds of people at Disney World and asked me to be his wife.  I was so full of emotion, I thought my heart would explode.  And I thought I knew what love was....
Until I walked down an aisle, my dad's arm linked in mine, anxiously waiting to recite my vows and become Mrs. Marty Gaddie.  I was a crazy, don't see anyone but him, head over heels newlywed.  And I thought I knew what love was...
Until we got through our first year of marriage together.  We went through ups, downs, fights, date nights and building a home together.  And I thought I knew what love was....
Until I saw him hold our child.  Knowing that God put this man in my life and blessed us with this beautiful child, who is a perfect combination of us both overwhelms me daily.  Watching Marty with our baby girl is enough to bring me to tears and makes my heart swell with joy.  The love I have for her is indescribable and completely different than any love I've felt before.  And I'm convinced.  THIS has to be what love is.